Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
