I just made out with a guy for $7.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
