it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
