I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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