Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I think my moral compass just broke
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
