I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
