Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
