I can tuck mytits in my pants
I puked a lego.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
