It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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