By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
