in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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