your parents love me but you hate me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Randomize
