my vag is so smooth its legendary
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
