I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
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So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
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Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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