i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
