The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
