Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize