she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
