My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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