I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
