We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
