We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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