you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
