UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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