Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
