last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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