Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My ass is underappreciated
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?