omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
