nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
