Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
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I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
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Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.