get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats