i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
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Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
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Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.