just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
