Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
