You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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