I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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