guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
