also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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