I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
