There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
