your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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