what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize