I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
