There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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