is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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