he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
