I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
