I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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