This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
