this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
