today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
