I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
