You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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