1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
