u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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