Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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