There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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