Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
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Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
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she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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