So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
