i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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